Photography is, let’s be honest, a great profession to work in, allowing us to express our creativity on a daily basis. And I must stress that, in my experience, most clients are a joy to work for which, as a portrait photographer, is very important!

But, as with most professions, there are that tiny minority of clients who can make us pros question our sanity and wonder if we shouldn’t have just taken up knitting instead. To help you all in your future endeavours, I’ve come up with this handy guide to troublesome clients. Because however crazy you think they’re being, chances are they fall into one of these types! It should be noted that these are all real stories…

photo by Philip Male

1. The ‘no concept of working hours’ client

You’re sitting down to a quiet evening after a long day – maybe trying to watch the last ever episode of a show you’ve followed for five seasons – when the phone rings. And, because it’s 9.30pm (yes, you read that right – 9.30pm) you presume it must be a friend on the line and you pick up. But no, it’s a client on the line who, after offering a cursory apology for the hour, proceeds to chew your ear off for 20 minutes. Note that these clients rarely pause for breath, so it’s almost impossible to get them off the phone any quicker. Be careful too not to fall into the trap of agreeing to almost anything in order to get them off the phone before your show finishes forever.

Do also watch out for the lesser spotted ‘so drunk I can’t remember my own name let alone what time it is’ client, who will ring at pub chucking out time and insist that they want to book a shoot for 9am the next morning. The only correct response to this sort of enquiry is to gently hang up the phone. Feel free to follow up with a cheery call early the next day asking as to their whereabouts!

2. The ‘photography is simple’ client

There are several variations on this theme, but the commonly held belief amongst such clients is that anyone can take a photograph and whatever you’re charging is too much. Usually, you’ll be allowed to go through your prices before you’re informed that they’ve got a ‘mate’ who’ll do the whole shoot for £50 and can you match that?

I find my preferred response to this question is to remind the client of the old analogy of how, if you pay peanuts, you’ll get a monkey. Remember though, that these clients tend to believe the philosophy that ‘photography is just a Xerox of what’s happening’, so you’re unlikely to be able to explain the technical and artistic skills that go into a shoot.

On a similar vein, you may also come across the client who, after balking at your prices and insisting that you’re far too expensive, will ask you to come in for an hour to teach them how to do the job themselves. Because, as all pro photographers know you can learn the tricks of the trade in an hour!

3. The ‘something for nothing’ client

A far more cunning beast, the ‘something for nothing’ client will agree to your initial quote and lull you into a false sense of security. The problems will start when you turn up to shoot.

Suddenly, there will be a ‘couple of extra shots’ that they are sure you won’t mind shooting for free as you’re already on site. A couple of extra shots is, of course, code for ‘several hours more work on a completely different setup’. Do not be fooled if you get through the shoot unscathed either, as some of these clients wait for the post-production stage to unleash their demands. Free prints, hours of extra repro work… the list can be endless and is often combined with a dramatic hissy fit if the client can’t afford everything they want.

4. The ‘stuck in the dark ages’ client

Something of a niche market this one, and really only applicable to pros like myself of a female disposition, the ‘stuck in the dark ages’ client can’t quite come to terms with a woman photographer.

Of course, this only becomes a problem if you’re a woman with an ambiguous name with a client that’s booked you by email. If, on turning up at a shoot for corporate clients in London, all three of the directors shake your male assistant’s hand whilst ignoring you completely, then you’re probably not off to the best of starts.

And, if followed up by the phrase, ‘but you’re a woman!’ then it’s fair to say that the shoot probably isn’t going to be one of your easiest. The surprising thing about these clients? They’re not the old fuddy-duddies you might expect – in this case, all three of the directors were in their early 30s. Far be it from me to remind all you female pros that, should clients be particularly rude to you, you have the power to make them look red-faced and sweaty in their photos, shortly before you blacklist the company to every other photographer in town.

5. The ‘looking for a cheap thrill’ client

Most pros couldn’t care less about their client’s particular peccadilloes and shooting a transvestite is no big deal. Of course, you probably need to be prepared for a few ‘interesting’ moments on a shoot like this – advice on how to blend in blusher so that you don’t look like a clown is usually appreciated and you may learn more about the usefulness of masking tape and two pairs of knickers than you ever cared to.

What you may not expect is for the client to inform you that they chose you as their photographer because you live on the same road as them, but that you mustn’t tell anyone in your hometown, as they want to keep their identity secret. And their wife doesn’t approve, so you mustn’t mention it to her either, even though she works in the local shop and you see her several times a week. It’s best to try and wrap this shoot up as soon as possible, before quietly extracting yourself from this little kitchen sink drama.

6. The ‘you love your job so you don’t need a holiday’ client

This particular client is happy to play upon the fact that most photographers do truly love their work. Of course you’ll be happy to do some work on your holiday, because otherwise you might get bored without something to do!

Particular favourites are the clients who want retouching done within a day, despite the fact you’re in rural France with intermittent internet connection and no laptop, or the client who wants to book a shoot in for next week and thinks you’ll be happy to cancel your holiday to accommodate them.

Going one giant step further (and fortunately I myself have not been the victim of this one) is the client who is informed that the photographer will be unavailable for a day due to having to attend a funeral. And who then tries to ring several times over the course of that day, leaving increasingly irate messages as to why their photos haven’t been delivered yet. And yes, these people really do exist!

Your Turn To Talk

There are many more tricky clients out there and most of us will come across a number of them throughout our careers. Hopefully though, they will always be in the minority!

Got any client stories you’d like to share? Please feel free to chime in via Twitter or Facebook!